What a beautiful Sunday morning! Laundry being done, coffee had and Jose Feliciano just started singing “By design” through my radio. This morning I decided to snap out of it. Yesterday I kept the blinds drawn, stayed in my darkened room, kept my pajamas on all day, slept and cried and slept some more. Yes me! Often life doesn’t go by ‘our design’ and shit just gets too real – too many commitments, too many expectations, too much of too much and it takes it’s toll on a mere mortal. So I allowed myself one “fuck this i’m feeling sorry for myself day”. One day to let it all out – cry, vent, sleep, shut out the world and binge-watch a tv series about women who made bad choices and ended up in prison (Orange is the new Black) and me thinking how easy it would be to end up there — how easily just one day of making a bad decision or losing my shit completely, can push me over that edge, and the restraint required to constantly have to present a “normal”, socially acceptable (social media acceptable), politically correct, educated facade and just keep all your shit together. Little kids cry, laugh hysterically, scream and writhe in anger and object loudly – these are natural expressions of emotion that we are all born with. As we get older we are taught to suppress the emotions like screaming and crying and stomping our feet out of frustration and being too loud because we are now growing up. We need to behave, and stop acting like babies we are told. Every day we suppress what is natural, deeper and deeper. We hide our tears, we hide our clenched fists in our pockets, we never, ever scream. Never. We bury our expressions of frustration because it shows that we are strong, that we have our shit together and we can handle it. God forbid we don’t. God forbid we make a mistake and fall apart. We put on our big girl panties! With everything that is happening around us in the world – the rand, traffic, Zuma, cost of sanitary towels, druggies stealing our clothes off the line, that house alarm that has been going off for the past 24 hours – we need to keep our shit together. So we take medication to suppress the negative emotions, we do yoga, we go to gym, we eat right, we talk in whispered tones (even if that does make us seem crazy AF), we don’t laugh too loud, we never ever cry or just tell people to fuck right off. Wouldn’t life just be so much easier if we could do that and then everyone move on from there without any disciplinary or one having to plead “temporary insanity”. We live in an age where we are required to be more and more like robots, the digital age after all: sleep 8 hours, work and don’t complain, eat kale, no carbs, no sugar, no alcohol to perform at your optimum, wear Dot dot dot to appear as if you actually have money to spend and have actually had time to do your own laundry, don’t speak too loudly, don’t speak too softly, don’t be angry, don’t be sad, don’t be too happy, don’t object, just be. Just be. Just be. Just be a fucking robot. And take your medication, regularly. Wear those big girl panties And never, Never lose your shit.


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